You’ve now read BALLS OUT.

Unless you stopped reading it.

But you read part of it – of that much we are 98.174541817754% certain.

And so now is the time to shit.

Shit all over it.

Go ahead.

Take as long as you like to pucker.

Our programming is exceptionally patient.

About Mongo

Kimba eat potato.
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231 Responses to SO…

  1. Franky No-Nuts says:

    I’m not reading that shit.

  2. Frankly, No-Nuts says:

    Franky No-Nuts is a no-nutted gash-gasket who’s not reading Balls Out because his father fagged in his eyes. Balls Out is great because it exists and for that very reason defies criticism, making all those who criticize it instant fuck-fools by de-fuck-fooling-fault. The Robotard8000 forces it’s hot-curry exit-hole over the mouth of every D-Girl you never had and demands they breathe deep the stench of their own misery.

  3. Some Asshole From Dallas says:

    Robotard? No.


  4. Script Analyst laid-off from Dreamworks (That's what they said.) says:

    It’s like a revolutionary manual for living… or, more precisely, a revolutionary manual for rebooting your life. It’s better than GHOSTBUSTERS, better than E.T. If you only read one script this year… let it be BALLS OUT! And read it with your BALLS OUT! Just don’t read it anywhere near me. It’s just too dangerously funny and too big a great ball of fiery awesome for me to risk of the of the projective bodily fluids that will most definitely spew forth from your orifices while you read it. It’s a gem. The real deal. Go ahead. You know you want it.

  5. A Better Script Analyst Than The Previous Jaffoff says:

    I give it a Double-Recommend.

    Funnier than the Farrelly Brothers. In fact, this might have been written by the Farrelly Brothers. So, is this a viral marketing campaign. C’mon, what studio?

  6. battledolphinzero says:

    The end-game for this venture is so much darker than any of you could imagine.

  7. Spartacus says:

    I am the Robotard 8000.

    Also, dog ticks.

  8. Mongo says:

    No you’re not, Spartacus.

    But I believe you have ticks.

    Dog and facial.

  9. Spartacus says:


    Off to put this script in my special place.

  10. Robert "Bob" Sabaroff says:

    Atrocious, juvenile noise. It doesn’t surprise me that this is what passes for “humor” in today’s market. Subtlety is eschewed for scatology, wit for “look-at-me” profanity.

    The only thing worse than this “script” is being slowly consumed by insects and butyric fermentation.


  11. Mongo says:

    Passed on by a dead guy??


  12. the Reader who just read it says:

    Whoa. This shit was fucking ripe with kick-assidness. It was a big ol’pair of beautiful tits that some hot chick spit in between and begged you to titty fuck.

  13. I Want That Hour Back says:

    I liked this movie better when it was called Office Space and was funny.

  14. Nimbby says:

    i can’t believe i read the whole thing. at one point i was sure i would bathe in my own dick blood before i would ever finish this fucking thing. but i did it. and i dont know why. but you fucking clowns finished a screenplay and didnt just sit around talking about it, so kudos you fuckfaced pricks. i look forward to your homo ski movie. i hope to audition for the sure to be amazing character of Dante Dong: Jockeater.

  15. Howie Chu says:

    Which one of you is Asian?

  16. Mongo says:

    I Want That Hour Back says:
    March 30, 2009 at 2:45 pm (Edit)
    I liked this movie better when it was called Office Space and was funny.


    Me too.

  17. Drew says:

    it was good…a little over the top, and way too over-hyped…but it was good

  18. Drew says:

    i must say, whoever said this was a smart script is probably the dumbest person alive

  19. Mongo says:

    Smart is relative.

    Like my Uncle Pepe.

    He sells sheep.

  20. Drew says:


  21. Shanedugg says:

    I read it and laughed my ass off – great work and if it never gets made into a movie at least I watched it in my own deranged head. Kudos to you guys for taking your script and putting it out there for the world to love/trash/whatever. Being a writer myself I know its harder to get people to read one’s own shit than it is to write it. This is pretty damn brilliant on many levels and I like that a script is being elevated to something different than just being a placeholder in an unread mountain.

  22. Tom Strong says:

    What a horrible pile of shit! Please get a real job.

  23. battledolphinzero says:


    Thanks. It’s sad to say but this turd took a long time to make stinky, and even longer to squeeze out. We fought a lot, pretty much over every line. But the contentious process birthed two retard characters which is noteworthy i think.

    (one of the writers)

  24. battledolphinzero says:

    RE: Drew’s…

    …”it was good…a little over the top, and way too over-hyped…but it was good”

    You sound like a man with a valid opinion. So I’ll your post and like it. Thanks, man.

  25. The Captain says:

    My God.

    What have I done?

  26. battledolphinzero says:

    Tom Strong,

    We are humble beasts with very little fight left in us. When you lash out, know that it is like a virile pimp beating a one-legged whore on a Sunday. Imagine us as that whore when you assail us, Tom. And know that our one leg is fake.

    Please don’t hit us no more, daddy. This old ho can’t take it no mo’.

  27. Mongo says:

    My teacher is my best friend!

  28. SillySully7 says:

    Ok, so I read it. I liked it, although the Cruise stuff towards the end misses the mark.

    Now what? 27 comments? I’m not supposed to be on the cutting edge here.

    Is this your pitch? To any and all people? Write a badass script that can “never” be made? Then use that to get your other ideas done?

    I’m fascinated.

  29. Mongo says:


    A pitch is when you tell someone the story of a film verbally.

    This is a script.

    Where you tell the story of a film on paper with notations for when people are speaking and stuff.

  30. SillySully7 says:

    I know what a pitch is.

    I merely am curious if this is Robo’s attempt at trying to get noticed.

  31. battledolphinzero says:


    Honestly, the primary objective was writing what we wanted to write. Everything besides that was secondary.

  32. Mongo says:

    Or thirdary even…

  33. Scrappie says:

    Meh. Smells a bit… desperate.

  34. battledolphinzero says:

    It is, Scrappie. It is.

  35. Miksho says:

    Is it wrong that I pretty much have all the major casting done in my head?

    Jim – Paul Rudd

    Rob – David Koechner (if he’s not available, Rob Corddry)

    Larry – Jason Segel (may be too similar to his role in “I Love You Man,” look into Mickey Rourke)

    Olivia – Olivia Munn (I’m feeling some real synergy here guys)

    Jill – Having trouble with this one. Consider rewrite. Maybe she’s not

    Jim’s coworker, but the cute UPS girl who’s also a part time student at the community college? (Look into Megan Fox)

    Blake – James Patrick Stuart (Scratch that – how about Paul Rudd in a double role? Worked for Eddie Murphy. Look into this)

    Good work guys; real potential here. Look into those casting notes!


  36. SillySully7 says:

    Megan Fox as Jill? Did you even read the script?

  37. Mongo says:

    We always pictured a young Margaret Thatcher as Jill when were writing…

  38. Brian says:

    I have to admit I laughed at the very self-important shot of the boiling pot of water on the first page.

  39. Darkslide says:

    Hey, not a bad script. I have a few suggestions.

    Right off the bat there is a typo on page 85. When Jim shows up to Rob’s house, and talks to Rebecca who is upset that Rob is gone; you wrote that Rob looks towards the door hearing chains rattling. This should be Jim looks towards the door.

    Also I think Tom Cruise just doesn’t work for this movie. The TV stuff was alright but the helicopter thing at the end was a little over the top. i think it would be better if it was Steven Seagal. But whatever.

    Other than that I can only say that bringing Prader-Willi to the public eye is a brilliant choice, as it was a source of quite a bit of laughter when I found it my cousin’s nursing textbook.

    so yeah, obligatory casting picks as i saw them.

    Jim…………………………Jason Schwartzman
    Rob………………………..Rob Corddry (honestly the only person that came to mind.)
    Larry………………………John C Reilly
    Olivia………………………Any super hot natural model type who can act (no name who will get naked preferably)
    Jill………………………….Rachel Leigh Cook in Thick Black Rimmed Glasses
    Mr Whiteman…………….Rip Torn
    Rebecca…………………..Juliette Lewis (making Junior seem more extreme)
    Blake………………………Will Arnett

  40. battledolphinzero says:

    Thanks, Darkslide. Possibly genius suggestions on John C. Reilly and Juliette Lewis, however I’m one of the flip flopping members of this unit. If you see me liking someone else’s casting suggestions, it’s only because I’m weak-willed, not insincere.

    And re: Tom Cruise. Even if you’re thoughts are correct, a man who is the living embodiment of awesome should be on as many pages as possible. Basically, I’m saying even if you’re right, you’re wrong because more Tom Cruise is better for all movies.

    Still, you’re probably right.

  41. JohnLeB says:

    Laughed and kept laughing. Okay, what’s really sick is that it reads like how so many made movies get translated between the screen and my head and turn into what they really amount to… so now I want to see this on a screen to find out how it gets translated… except I don’t. I really don’t.

    It is laugh out loud funny (some real gems in there and whole passages that had to be read between sat back guffaws) but please, leave it alone now. If there is someone even thinking of putting the effort into making it, god forbid putting the money in – give the guys the cash to write something else instead. If nothing else, this is perhaps a valuable lesson for all who would aspire. Aspiration is a cruel, dangerous and slippery uphill slope.

    You fell off that path with this script but, with Tom’s help, maybe, just maybe you can get back on. Perhaps take a rest, get some distance. Heal a while. Put some fat on those skinny bones. Fuel up for the next stage of your journey. You’ve earned it.

    Having said that about not making it… it may be that I felt the ending turned the tone a touch bitter? Like you might have zipped up too fast and neutered the Balls Out satire into castrated cynicism?

    Sincere best wishes


  42. Mongo says:

    Hey BattleDolphin?

    Why do people keep thinking that we’re baby writers?

    Was I unclear on the main page?

    You know that part about how the component parts of The Robotard 8000 are repped by TWO POWERHOUSE AGENCIES?

  43. battledolphinzero says:


    I think we come off as baby writers because we lack talent and intellect.

  44. Mongo says:


    You may be onto something…

  45. battledolphinzero says:


    If I may be serious here for a minute…

    Most of us who wrote this are very proud of the tenor and the general style in which the screenplay is written. We set out and worked hard to create a “voice” (a word Mongo despises) that was unique. Many of us, at least 4000 of the 8000, felt trapped in the way our prior scripts read. So, love it or hate it, or not even notice it, what you’re reading in Balls Out is our attempt to break away from our own writing crutches.

  46. Pure genius, ROBOTARD 8000. Some where in the rusty depths of your mechanical make – up is the still beating zombie heart of John Houston. A very fucked up, sadistic John Huston.

  47. daddeus says:

    sweet! i am willing to play larry. if owen wilson wont

  48. JohnLeB says:

    Hi BattleD

    Most of the previous was tongue in cheek – I liked the script, I like satire – but I also don’t like satire – because it’s after the event… I said I don’t want to see the script as a movie in the same way I’d say I don’t like satire. I do but I don’t.

    I liked the script, the characters, the voice and the style, it had me laughing out loud and piled it on. You’re right to be proud, I’d be if I’d been involved… but I would have fought like a motherfucker before deferring to majority, experience or baseball bats over the ending…

    If it doesn’t get finance, I hope you it gets you a commission and a financier. Who burns your crutch before you start. But now I’m assuming it hasn’t already got finance…?

    Best wishes


  49. Abhay says:

    Enormously boring and phoney. Screenwriters disconnected from real life spewing homilies about how “money and pussy aren’t what matters; being yourself is.” Nauseating cliched and fundamentally untrue nonsense. The jokes about retards wouldn’t be funny even if there hadn’t been, what, 5 million movies that made fun of retards before this script…? Overprivileged white guys writing movies about the exquisite sorrow of being overprivileged white guys

  50. Mongo says:

    Look, BattleDolphinZero!

    She GOT it!

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