(sigh)
Fine.
I’m through fighting with you people.
And I’m through fighting with Battle Dolphin Zero.
Even though he’s the one who stands to lose all credibility by my posting the original, BALLSIER first draft of BALLS OUT!
The one with fat scenes, BALLSIER balls, a painfully clear agenda and a much more satisfying ending (for me, anyway…).
So how does it compare to the “final” version?
You tell us.
***bumped this up in case folks missed it***
I write hit songs.
I admit it.
And the forty odd folks who have downloaded my hit song, FUCK OFF, E7#9 know it.
They know it deep in the pit of their fuck-starved hearts.
But I don’t think they quite know how deep the well of my musical genius deeps.
And the rest of you surly, badly-coiffed lot certainly don’t know shit.
So I figured I’d demonstrate it.
I’d demonstrate it all over the small of your collective back.
I’m gonna post something now that will BLOW THE GOB OFF YOUR EVERLASTING MINDS!
That’s right…the very first song I ever wrote on Garageband!
Remember…no formal training.
Just me and my shitty Casio keyboard and Garageband (before I even had any of the additional instrument packs) and the Divine Inspiration of our one true Lord and Savior…
Morris “Mac” Davis.
Take a deep breath and suck in the sonic majesty that is…
Judging from the utter lack of comments, it seems as if this whole idea of providing “new content” is really going over like gangbusters.
But I don’t care.
Not one spastic little bit.
In fact, I extend my abnormally long index finger (in a “middle finger” sort of way) at all of you as I carry on with my solemn vow to provide NEW AND IMPOSSIBLE CONTENT (!!) !!!!!!! (!).
Case in point, you lucky fuckers get to behold my latest work of absolute fucking awesome-drenched awesomeness.
That’s right.
I’M POSTING A MOTHERFUCKING SONG! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
A little background.
I have had no formal musical training.
Most people, when exposed to my musical taste, kick me.
Hard.
Nevertheless, I have composed a little ditty for your listening pleasure.
This song was “composed” in about an hour or so.
Every single part was played, by me, via a hundred dollar Casio keyboard and Apple’s super-funtastic GarageBand application.
As of now, there are no lyrics yet in place for Battle Dolphin Zero to warble.
But I invite any of you who might, I dunno, have a way with words, to jot down some lyrics and e-mail them to me at mongo@therobotard8000.com.
If we end up using your lyrics to complete this masterpiece-in-the-making, we’ll send you a copy of the SPECIAL EDITION of BALLS OUT or some original rumination about his balls by Battle Dolphin Zero or a bag of lint or something equally useless.
Anyway…
The only thing you need to know is that this song is awesome in its weakness and it’s this very stunning mediocrity that’s gonna make you throw mud in your favorite skivvies.
Without further ado, I present to you…
Yesterday, we promised that a wealth of new content would be coming, starting today. I figured we’d start off slow and just, you know, round up some tasteful nude photos of pets from the internet and share them all with you.
But a funny thing happened.
As I turned off my kiddie protection filters and searched the internet for tasteful nude photos of pets, I was overwhelmed with a weird, tingly feeling.
In my weenis.
Because if you type “nude pets” into a search engine, it results in HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF BUCK NAKED PHOTOGRAPHS OF PENTHOUSE PETS (!!!!!!), many of them PERFORMING ACTUAL SEX ACTS (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) !
Before long, I found myself sitting in a steaming puddle of primordial he-glue, emotionally and physically spent.
And I just sat there, unwilling or unable to clean myself.
At one point, I dipped my fingertips into the cooling expanse of ball-waste and attempted to construct a “Cat’s Cradle” – like this…
…but with ropey load – and failed miserably, staining my best wife-beater in the process.
What I go through for you people (!!) …
Anyway, my mom eventually came in, hosed me off and punched me in the voicebox for ruining her computer chair.
So this new feature was pretty much a bust.
Except maybe for these…
Charming. I wonder whose poopies are larger?
That’s one naked mole rat right there! Reminds me of my grandpa when he used to get loaded and hump the fireplace every x-mas eve…
Can you guess why the dogs look so pissed off? No? Can you guess where The Captain has hidden their puppy?
BUT FEAR NOT!
Starting tomorrow, we’ll be back at it, adding new and impossible content to this crumbling mausoleum of a website.
This will include:
- Tasteful nude photos of pets!
- Groundbreaking hit songs (composed by me and warbled by Battle Dolphin Zero)!
- Super awesome poetry (Rhyme Royal Type from me, Mud-Slam Ragin’ from BDZ)!
- Sublimely wrong comic strips, featuring the absolute worst, yet marketable, characters ever conceived by mankind!
- Prurient video of the Military Industrial Complex and its many mistresses!
- More exclamation points than you can shake a stick at!!!!!!!!! (!!!)
So keep coming back, One Dude From Australia!
Pretty soon you too can be a winner like us!
WE’RE CAN ALL BE WINNERS!
