Amanda left me.
But I don’t blame her.
If I were into guys, I too would most likely leave me for some tough guy who treated me like week-old shit he’d just recently decided to scrape off of his boot.
Because who doesn’t want an intimate relationship with someone like that? Who doesn’t want to spend your life with someone who would consider you the ultimate sex toy if you could just find a way to not speak and do as you’re told?
But that’s not me.
And it’s never been me.
It would be easy for me to say that it’s Amanda’s loss.
But I don’t know.
I just don’t know.
She is the first woman that I have felt a true connection with in a LONG time.
Maybe since college.
Someone who seemed to understand my hopes and my fears and my aching need to be understood by somebody…anybody. And she quickly became more than just “anybody” to me – she became…she became a port in the storm of my life.
Fuck.
This is really tough.
It’s so awesome to have someone who’ll listen, really LISTEN to your shit and comfort you, to give you rational advice but also support your “fuck it – the world is wrong” frame of mind when necessary and make you believe that you are not alone, that although every other soul in the universe hates your fucking guts, she still loves you. Still believes in you. Still strives to help you become a better person.
But that’s all over now.
As Hall and Oates so perfectly stated it, “She’s Gone”.
Gone forever to the other side.
Now the only side.
The world at large that condemns my very existance.
I don’t know how I’m going to go on.
I really don’t.
I have lost all interest in everything.
I feel dead inside.
I care about nothing.
No one.
I don’t know why I am posting this.
Maybe because my soul is empty.
Maybe because it is more productive than crying (though not by much).
I don’t know.
I just don’t know.