BALLS OUT is the inaugural podcast on THE BLACK LIST TABLE READS podcast!


That’s right.

The Black List recorded a table read of BALLS OUT for it’s new podcast series.

And it is pretty goddamn entertaining.

Go HERE to listen to it.

Do it now!

Then read a sweet article about the whole endeavor HERE.


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Presented without fanfare…

Our latest script tanked.

13 people read it.

All said no.

And while this was an attempt to write a more mainstream script than BALLS OUT, it was still too retarded to sell.

In any case, we decided to throw it up here in case anyone had WAAAAYYYYYY too much time on their hands and wanted to give it a read.



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Today is the day that we update this blog!






UPDATE: Today is NOT the day we update this blog.

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That’s right.

The Robotard 8000 has finished another screenplay.

Now, when I say finished, I mean that we completed the first draft of a new screenplay.

And we’re still too close to it to know if it sucks termite balls or is THE GREATEST THING WE’VE EVER WRITTEN AS A SECOND SCRIPT!

Hopefully, you guys will never get to read it.

Meaning, we’re turning it over to our reps this weekend and hopefully we won’t be shut down like with BALLS OUT.

Hopefully we won’t HAVE to post this one on the internet.

But who knows, more likely than not it will end up here either way.


We are returning to the NASHVILLE SCREENWRITER’S CONFERENCE next weekend for the second annual ROBOTARD THEATER 8000 presentation. We will screen a rotten stinkpile of a film and talk shit over it along with ALEC BERG (Seinfeld, The Dictator), JEFF LOWELL (Hotel For Dogs, John Tucker Must Die), PHIL HAY (Clash of the Titans, R.I.P.D.) and perhaps a surprise guest or two. This happens next Friday from 5:30 pm to 7:30 pm. Go to for more details.

We’re gonna try and record it this time and maybe, like, you know, post it here and then, like, you can watch the shitty movie at home and listen to our shitty commentary along with it.

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Auto Draft

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That’s right.

It’s happening…


Everyone’s favorite armed water mammal Battle Dolphin Zero and yours truly, Mongo Needfood, will once again be leaking faux wisdom and partially digested Chee-tos™ all over the streets of Austin, Texas THIS COMING WEEKEND, October 20th through the 23rd.

Information about the conference and which panels we’ll be ruining can be found here:

Please stop by and say hello – we have plenty of drool and Wet-Naps® for everyone!

And in case you don’t remember what we look like…


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Okay, so anyone still reading this dumb-ass blog probably has some idea of how THE ROBOTARD 8000 came to be.  I, Mongo, met this other dude, Battle Dolphin Zero, on a message board for WGA members, an open sore cesspool called WRITER ACTION and we proceeded to make each other laugh.

A few months later, we met in person, continued to make each other laugh and became friends.  We IM’d a lot, still making each other laugh and then decided, fuck it, we should try writing something together.

Then we fought with each other on a daily basis for a number of months (while still making each other laugh) and the result was BALLS OUT.

But how did we ever come to find ourselves writing comedy?

I figure I’ll tell my brief story and provide an example of my early comedic writing and maybe with some persuasion from you fine folks, we can get BDZ to do the same.


I was gonna write out some long-ass thing but the reality is, you guys don’t care.  So I’ll bullet point it.

1) Growing up, I always used comedy to defuse tense situations and cope with personal tragedy.

2) When I started writing, I naturally did the same in trying to balance the tone in more serious stories.

3) I became friends with Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s assistant and got to hang out with them a bit in social situations.  Four years later, completely out of the blue, I got hired to write on South Park.

4) People actually paid me cash money to sit around a table with Trey and Matt and a number of other INSANELY funny people and laugh my balls off while trying to get any of them to laugh.  To my great surprise, I succeeded more than I failed.

5) After South Park, I got hired by Comedy Central to do a page-one rewrite of one of the worst screenplays I have ever read.  I didn’t want to do it, but it was either that or go back to slinging footlongs in a Subway™ restaurant.

Here is the resulting screenplay, entitled “MEET JOE SIMON”.

Yes, I’m quite certain that it sucks but it definitely exists in the general vicinity of La Ouevré du Robotard.

I’d say, “Enjoy!”, but that would just be cruel.



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WE’RE BACK!!!! (sorta)


We feel like dicks.

It’s hard to believe we haven’t updated this shit since last October.

What kind of assholes DO that?

We must be dicks.


Anyway, just wanted to post a quick entry of inconsequence to assure you that lots of things – lots of AWESOME things – are in the works over here at the mongo factory.

1) We are more than halfway through writing a new original script.

2) BALLS OUT has been optioned and we are currently closing in on a director.

3) The Louis C.K. show LOUIE is back on the air and still funny as fuck.

4) Multiple balls continue to batwing and require almost constant pinch and rolling.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, folks!

So if any of you still check in on this loathsome site of ours, STAY TUNED!

An army is forming, people.

A retard army.

A fully armed retard army.

Armed with drool and love for puppies.

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We’re going.


We’re gonna be on some panels and shit.


It oughta be a profoundly life-changing experience for all you all that attends us.


BattleDolphinZero will let you pinch his nuts for a dollar (rolling is extra).

Here’s our schedule:

Friday, October 22 – 9:00 a.m. – 10:15 a.m.

Writing RX
Driskill Hotel, Ballroom
Have you lost momentum with your story? Are you spending more time re-writing and thinking of character names and titles than writing? Is the structure dictating your story to the extent that it’s lost its heart? Struggling to remember that you’re a writer while holding down your day job? How to get your story and script back on track.
Phil Hay, Jeff Lowell, Malcolm Spellman, Tim Talbott, THE ROBOTARD 8000,  John Turman

1:45 p.m. – 3:00 p.m.

The Black List
Driskill Hotel, Ballroom
The Black List: what is it, how to get on it, and what it can mean for your career.
Matthew Cook, Kyle Killen, Franklin Leonard, Mongo Needfood, Battle Dolphin Zero, THE ROBOTARD 8000
Moderated by Andy Langer

Saturday, October 23  10:45 a.m. – 12:00 p.m.

Roundtable: Comedy Writers
St. David’s Episcopal Church, Sumners Hall
Get in-depth answers to your questions about the craft and business of screenwriting and film making. This session offers registrants exclusive access to comedy writers in an informal setting.
William Akers, Kat Candler, Greg DePaul, Larry Doyle, Jay Wade Edwards, Owen Egerton, Dan French, Mike Fry, Pat Hazell, Jeff Lowell, Jon Lucas, Chris Mass, Craig Mazin, Scott Moore, Nancy Pimental, Chuck Sklar, Ron Bass, Eric Roth, Paul Haggis, THE ROBOTARD 8000

The rest of our weekend will be spent learnin’ hoes and spoutin’ flows, yo.

One of us will also be drinking Shiner Bock beer.

A lot of Shiner Bock beer.

A lot.


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